I can't
by kate-superstar
Summary: Based on the promo for Testing 1,2,3


**I can't**** – Derek's Pov**

**I don't own GA. If I did I wouldn't be so stressed by finding the perfect grad school.**

Doctors and nurses mingling together, young couples having a Martini before a night of fun, single men in their thirties playing darts, carefree women looking an adventure…Joe's bar is crowded, well, what else would you expect on a Friday night?

In the background you hear Karev and O'Malley exchanging impressions on their Interns'test and you can't help but wonder how Meredith did even though in the back of your mind you know she most likely got a great result because when it comes to medicine she indeed is Ellis Grey's daughter. Burke is explaining to a very bored and uncharacteristically quiet Mark that Christina has not written her vows yet and once again you find yourself thinking about the girl, probably throwing her person, the person who was there when you weren't, a hell of a party. Lots of complaining (on Yang's part), of cheering (by Stevens) and of supporting despite everything and tequila from your Meredith… Your Meredith? Can you still say that? Or did you lose that right when you didn't get into the house after Susan's death? Or when you threw up your long bottled feeling making her leave the trailer? Or when you stopped hovering?

-_Hi!_ – a voice snaps you out of this reverie, and you can't help but answering recognizing the brunette psychologist from Seattle Grace

-_Hi_! – you tilt your head on your side, because that's what you, polite and positive person, do

- _Can I buy you a drink_?

The question throws you for a second. How long has it been since some girl asked you that? Was it that one night at the Whisky Bar near Times Square where Mark dragged you to get _some lovin' _for himself when Addison was on call and you two still _seemed_ the perfect Manhattan couple? Or was it even before?

- _Oh Thank you Dr. Lewis_ – that's her name, you've recently sent her a patient who had trouble accepting her recovery from a brain tumour you once again successfully removed – _but I'm not drinking tonight. Designated driver for my friend here. You know Dr. Burke, right?_ – You look at him, his conversation has moved from Mark to the Chief – _he's getting married tomorrow_.

- _What does a drink do? And if you still say no, you could at least come and sit closer. I don't think your friends there would mind. You can tell me about your superlife as best neurosurgeon of the country and I can tell you about my crazy patients _– she insists.

- _Won't it be unprofessional?_

_- No names, no sinners _– she immediately replies, stubborn and determined like someone you know…or you thought you knew.

- Really, thanks, but I can't. I'm here as best man. We're throwing a bachelor party…

- _Some party you have, huh? And your friends look to drunk to notice your absence. That intern, the one who married the Ortho resident, loos like he is about to throw up. And Dr. Sloan, don't you hate him? He slept with your wif_e.

Even after a year, these words sting. Your brother and your wife…but have you ever hated him? Did you hate him when he stood by you the day of Meredith's near death whatever? Did you hate him when he confessed to you he had let Addison go? Anger, yes, Resentment, yes, Pain, yes, but Hate…no, because he's still manwhore Mark, the one that gave you tips on your very first junior year of high school, that shared a room with you at Columbia, the one who was there when your dad died too young, when your sister Kathleen needed someone to bring her down the aisle, the one you want there when you and Meredith will….

- _Look Dr Lewis, I appreciate the offer. Indeed I do. But besides my friends here, there is a much more important reason why I can't sit with you. A bossy yet insecure, a cryptic yet tough reason whom I'm very much in love with._

-_ You mean, the crazy intern? Dr Grey's daughter? The one who tried to drown herself_? - A knife. That's what Dr Lewis's words feel to you. A knife that rips your chest.

- _Excuse me? What did you just say? Because if a psychologist like you dares to listen to the fucking gossip and judge without knowing anything about the most important person ….God, I can't even look at you now_ – You move from the stool you're sitting on, realizing the guys are now playing pool too far from helping you.

- _Derek, please I'm sorry. It's just that people talk…and that' s what you think too? That's why you're so mad at me, I'm right._

_- It's Dr. Sheperd to you. You know what I think? That the only crazy thing here is that I've just spent, wasted half an hour even considering the possibility of talking to you. Right here where I met Mer (_your words seems to be on a roll, but somehow her nickname everytime brings a smile to your face), _Mer who's probably spent the last days wondering how much of a selfish and distant ass I've been lately. So, once again, No, Dr Lewis. You can't buy me a drink. Goodbye_

Relieved, that is how you feel now. Restless, that's how you have been since the talk with the Chief…the damn Chief race made you stop breathing, but maybe it's not you who has to keep breathing for her, maybe it's you now who needs her air…or maybe you need to learn to breathe together.

- _Preston, I've got something to take care of. I'll see you tomorrow. Karev, O'Malley, Mark, Chief…Joe, please make sure they catch a cab to Burke's place. Thank you!_

You put on your jacket and leave the bar. Because if it is bad luck for a groom to see the bride the night before, you never heard anything about the best man and the maid of honour.


End file.
